it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
