i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
