So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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