just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
