he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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