I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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