One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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