matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
