sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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