dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
