Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
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