babies were throwing up all over the place
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
