my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
