Im at strip club and am horny
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
