It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
