Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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