I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
