WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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