im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
