i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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