This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
