josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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