why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize