Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
two words: eviction party
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
