Can i not drive my cunt home
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
