I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You dont lie about slip and slides
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
