I'm jealous of your bromance
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
