dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
