i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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