Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
