So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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