I accidentally had phone sex last night
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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