When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
