i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
