I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's shark week go big or go home
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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