i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
