mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
