Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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