I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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