You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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