Plan B is the new Plan A
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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