Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
