Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
