I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
This girl is more easily done than said...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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