it glows. i had to have it.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
