There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
