I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
