How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
