We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
