True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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