They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Holy sore nipples Batman
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
