Pappa wants mamma naked
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
