I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
