i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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