Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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