Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
