Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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