Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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